As the clock inches closer to 0:00 people all over this globe will be filling up their glasses with champagne and filling up their conversations with resolutions. I myself am not unfamiliar with this nearly instinctive urge to radically alter my life while switching from one calendar to the next.
I don’t really believe in this whole new year & new me thing. New year’s resolutions don’t usually last long but that definitely shouldn’t stop us from trying. Though I don’t think you can just like that become a whole new person overnight I do think this small nudge consisting of so many people around you all trying to become their best self can help motivate you to at least try.
This past year leaves me with mixed feelings. I did manage to survive senior year of highschool and after nine years finally graduate, but I also failed to get into the study of my dreams. I can now call myself the proud owner of my very first apartment which happens to be an amazing gem in an even more beautiful city, but I also only got to actually live there for about 4 weeks or so.
Before leaving 2016 hit me with a rather powerful last blow in the form of a terrible pneumonia. I ended up lying in the hospital for nearly a month, of which the first two weeks or so were spent literally fighting for my life and in hindsight feel like one big blur of fear, oxygen deprivation, and pain. This little adventure of mine did in turn make me feel like the happiest person in the whole wide world right after they pulled out that ventilation tube and I got to enjoy a fruity ice lolly, and also every second after that when simply realising that I’m still breathing and that my lungs are still successfully converting O2 into CO2 and vice versa.
Overall the only thing I can safely conclude is that this year has been filled with unexpectedness, which as it happens should’ve been expected.
I’ve had this goal hanging in front of me like a reliable torch for quite a number of years now, but unfortunately I’m entering this next year without that comfort. As my days have been lacking school or work I’ve had way too much time on my hands lately to start doubting, well, pretty much everything. Reality hit me like a truck and I’ve started to realise that I need to alter my future plans.
Though I want to study Astronomy with all my heart I must face the fact that my body won’t allow it. There’s really no way I can pull off going to the uni from 09:00 to 17:30 five days a week and alongside that fit homework, learning, taking care of myself and my dog, and working on my health (let alone somewhat of a social life) into the remaining hours of a day, considering that everything not only costs me approximately twice as much energy but often twice as much time as well. It’s possible to halve the whole thing but I did the math and it’s rather depressing: 3 years for a Bachelor + 2 years for a Master x 2 = 10 years a total. That would mean I’d be done at the tender age of 32 which doesn’t really count as an option to me because 1) how the hell am I going to finance 10 years of studying? 2) I can claim from experience that being so far behind on everyone else in your class is extremely demotivating and lastly 3) being so much older than your classmates also isn’t particularly to be recommended.
What now? Well my dear reader, here we both share the exact same amount of insight. I have no clue whatsoever. And I find it extremely hard to brainstorm about the matter because it feels so unnatural to do so; I already know what I want.
So uhh 2017, let’s focus on some personal improvements first, shall we? Heaven knows I procrastinate even procrastinating and that I’m one of the most forgetful human beings to have ever lived. One wouldn’t say it but I’m working on both and I really hope that I can get my shit together sometime soon. The amounts of stress and the soft yet steady voices in the back of my mind that I have to deal with just because I don’t deal with my stuff are getting exhausting.
Apart from that I’m essentially just a stay-at-home-midlife-crisis-victim right now, though it’s only natural and partly to blame on me not going to school and partly on me becoming so ill, I’ve noticed that the more isolated I become the less motivated I get to do something about it. So I’ve decided to restart my job-hunt which I paused after too many setbacks (stupid, yes I know) and also signing up for either writing or drawing classes.
But all eve-of-2016-talk aside; frankly I have no idea what awaits me this coming year, and somehow that’s pretty exciting to say the least.
Just curious; do you have new year’s resolutions as well or are you more of a critic and don’t let that starting date of your diet depend on a little box in your calendar? Let me know in the comments :-)